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Ever since I was little, food seemed to be the thing that was always there and always for me. I guess it's because my mom is such a great cook. Every day she would prepare the most amazing meals and all i could do was eat. With that I lost my sense of hunger. It no longer mattered if I was hungry or not, I didn't listen to my stomach, I listened to my nose and tastebuds and completely let them take over my life. I didn't even realise it. Since we moved to a different country twice, food seemed to be the only friend I had. I comforted me. I would look in the mirror, and I wouldn't to the slightest extent be satisfied with myself. But that didn't matter because dinner was ready. Then I went to this world known Calgary Stampede. There was a model search, and one of the scouts picked me to join. I felt like I was on cloud nine. So I went, and I got through the first round. But, not the second. Wonder why... Oh yeah, maybe it's because every girl that was picked was at least TWICE as small as me. I didn't cry. My mom was there. But inside of me there was a waterfall filled with tears. So I thought since I'm so fat might as well eat more and more. I did. I was disgusting. Then I started school here. Again, surrounded by pretty skinny people and I had gym. Slowly but surely I noticed that I started eating less, and exercising more. The weight fell off. I felt like crying of joy! How wonderful it felt to be so thin. And people noticed too! So many complements. I loved it. Then came another downfall because my brother went away for pretty much ever, because he was all grown up... I caved.
For a year I've been doing nothing. Even my mom noticed. I went on a website where they searched for talent. I said I wanted to try out. My mom said okay. Then she watched a few videos, looked at me and said : are you sure you wanna do this? All of those girls look SO skinny, and well, you're not like that... I mean you're okay but, just not like them. THEM. How much lower could I have sunk? My own MOTHER pretty much called me fat. Enough was enough. I stopped eating. The gym was y best friend. I would get up at six in the morning with my dad and on his way to work he would drop me off at the gym, where I would exercise for at LEAST two hours. I also hardly ever ate anymore. Wondering how many calories were in everything, I shook with fear of eating too much. I tried to calculate the amount of calories in inedible objects. People would look at me and say, you look different. Skinnier. I'd reply huh, I didn't notice, and quietly walk away. I started to ignore my friends, and spit out my food. When I would usually be the one BEGGING my friends to go out for lunch and EAT, that was what my friends found normal, but now when they suggest something like that, and I refuse to go, they look suspicious, and ask me whats wrong. I simply reply nothing... and walk away...once again... into my starving loneliness. I wonder when it will end? It won't. I won't be satisfied until someone tells me I look deathly thin... Thats just the way it's been lately, and I don't think it's gonna change.

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